Gay Weddings are Good for Business

It's pretty standard for legal gay weddings to have this very strong energy of triumph to them, a spirit of "FINALLY!  We can get legally married!"  As a result, many couples seek to bring a little bit of politics into their ceremony, and sometimes even their reception.

Two of the most popular readings at gay marriage ceremonies come from court rulings - the Goodridge ruling and the Walker ruling - check them out!  

I've even had clients bring politics into their reception - naming tables after famous LGBT people in history, hosting the reception somewhere that has given a lot to marriage equality efforts - and I even had a couple name their signature cocktail the Revolution - in honor of the marriage equality revolution.  

I hope these ideas help you help your clients put a little more edginess into their wedding!

I believe that gay weddings change the world.  Really?  Yes, really.  In fact, I don't just believe it.  I know it.  

If you think about it, it was only 1967 that interracial marriage was legalized (Loving v Virginia).  The U.S. Supreme Court evoked the 14th Amendment in that ruling (one of the inspiration for 14 Stories, by the way).  That was a revolutionary ruling, a decision that changed lives forever.  

And gay marriage is this generation's civil rights movement.  The first gay marriages in the U.S. started in Massachusetts in 2004.  Since then, there have been about 50,000 legal marriages in the U.S.  50,000 marriages in an industry that produces 2.3 million straight weddings each year.  That makes gay marriages/gay weddings downright rare.  It makes them historic. That's right: gay weddings make history.

But how do they change the world?

Well, most guests at gay weddings are straight.  And most guests have never been to a gay wedding before.  That creates an extraordinary opportunity to open some eyes and create change.  And that change happens during the marriage ceremony, when that couple's story is told, when they make promises to one another and when they are declared legally married.  Not just partners for life or some other euphemism, but legally married.    

And then those straight guests go home, they tell their friends, neighbors and co-workers, "I went to the greatest wedding last weekend..." and they talk about the gay wedding with this sense of purpose and mission and passion.  And then they answer some questions, tell some more stories, maybe change call their politician or change the way they vote...

Those are the stories that change the world.  And that is why I do what I do and why I train others to be advocates for their clients.  Gay marriage is illegal in most places in the world, so all those stories from all those legal weddings make all the difference.  Just ask Frank Bruni, whose fantastic column tells some of those stories..

(photo by Zoom Photography)

I was at an event recently and met a lovely bridal salon owner who very innocently asked me, "Is one the bride and one the groom in a gay relationship?"  Some of you may laugh but she was just working off of stereotypes she grew up with.

The answer is no - at least, not usually.  It's certainly not a good idea to make that assumption about a couple.  

While there may be some men who like drag or are more feminine in appearance, that doesn't mean he wants to wear a dress down the aisle.  Likewise, there are some women who are more masculine in appearance and/or may identify as butch - but that doesn't mean she is the groom or wants to play that role - though she may want to be referred to as the bridegroom. 

You may find yourself in the middle of a really awkward conversation if you make such assumptions so if you are looking for information, it's best to start with open ended questions, such as, "What are you wearing to your wedding?" or "How are you referring to each other now?".   

While it's true that there's some truth to stereotypes, check them at the door so you don't accidentally offend your clients!

I've just added a new page to the Gay Wedding Institute site:  Gay Weddings in the Media.  

We track occurrences of real gay weddings showing up in mainstream (i.e. non-LGBT focused) wedding magazines and blogs.  You can see the current listing of where real gay weddings have been featured.  

Did I miss any major publications or blogs?
 

I blogged awhile back about how wedding planners who work with same-sex couples must be their advocates.  It's true and there's perfect proof in the case of wedding planner Kate Parker, based in New Hampshire, who is working with two grooms marrying this weekend.  Gay marriage is legal in New Hampshire and the state also prohibits discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation.

A few things have come up with these guys:

1) They wanted to be married in an Episcopal church.  Episcopal churches only marry same-sex couples in one place in the United States, Eastern Massachusetts.  So the grooms had to find another officiant.

2) One of the grooms "came out" to his family via his wedding invitation.  Some family members had previously not known he was gay.

3) They wanted to run a wedding announcement in the local paper and were denied because the paper doesn't run same-sex wedding announcements.

4) One of the grooms is from Venezuela and can't get a green card through this marriage because of DOMA.

One wedding, four big issues that Kate and her team had to deal with, none of which would ever come up with a straight wedding.  So yes, planning a gay wedding is different and if you are a planner (or a venue, or caterer) and want to reach this market, you must be prepared to understand these issues and be your client's advocate.

Have you had any similar experiences when working with same-sex couples?

Thanks to Jennifer Ramirez-Jasiczek from A Regal Affair who wrote to me with this question:  do same-sex couples change their last names after marriage?  What are some trends you've seen?

• Same-sex couples who have been together for years are most likely to keep their original last names.
• Same-sex couples who are 35 and younger are more inclined to changing their names.

I've seen hyphenated last names - like my wife, Jennifer Coveney-Smith.  I've seen non-hyphenated like me, Bernadette Coveney Smith (yes, we did something different).  I've seen one partner take the others' last name, like my brides who are getting married on Saturday, who will both use the last name of DeMarco.  

But I love it when same-sex couples invent entirely new names, some of which were not remotely similar to either of the old names.  That's kind of fun - as they begin a new life together, they do so with a new name.  

Examples:
Old names: Caulfield and Stansberry
New last name:  Stansfield (merging Caulfield and Stansberry)

Old names:  Zeitlin and Sakash
New name:  Zash

What does this mean for you in the wedding industry?  First, don't assume that you'll know what the couple is doing.  Second, if you know it, use their new last names in post-wedding correspondence.   Third, be mindful that it's much easier for a legally married individual to change his or her name than someone who is not legally married.  All my clients have to show is a certified copy of their marriage license, like any other person.  Same-sex couples who have commitment ceremonies and are not legally married have to go through their state's name change process (which typically involves petitioning a judge).  I talked to a couple recently who were denied the name change by a homophobic judge.

What have you seen some couples do regarding their last names after marriage?

I'm an AmeriCorps alum and our slogan is "putting idealism to work."  I think being a producer of gay weddings and an educator about gay weddings is a pretty idealistic career. 

I love meeting wedding vendors who say to me, "I'm so supportive of gay marriage. There's no difference between a straight wedding and a gay wedding.  Love is love is love!"

It's very sweet.  And it's very idealistic.  And then I hear stories like the one I heard from Lacy Branch in St. Louis where she got a call from a same-sex couple and she was the only planner in her area who would talk to them.  And the story from Kelly Karli in Vail who received a call from a guy almost embarrassed to tell her that he wants to go in drag on his wedding day. And these stories are part of the reasons gay weddings are different.

Of course when I was 27 and my company was brand new, I was ultra-idealistic and while I still have a good solid sense of that idealism, the reality of spending six years working with couples seeking acceptance and equality changes that.  I'd love to put myself out of business someday.  But until then, it's important to remind yourself that gay weddings are different.

Just ask any same-sex couple living in one of the 45 states where their relationship is not recognized.

If you're a wedding vendor who believes that "love is love is love" and you still have photos of straight couples plastered all over your site with the phrase "bride and groom" everywhere, then please start walking the talk.

"Thank God for Massachusetts for letting us come here to get married!"

That's what one of my grooms said at a recent gay wedding during his toast to his friends and family.  These guys and all of their guests (about 20 of them) came here from Florida, spending about $20,000 over the course of the weekend. The Massachusetts economy thanks them.

Did you know that according to Forbes magazine, nationwide legalization of gay marriage is projected to boost the overall wedding industry by $9.5 BILLION a year?

According to Merriam Webster, a bridegroom is a man who is just married or about to be married.

In my gay wedding world, I don't just work with brides and grooms.  A fair number of people fall somewhere else on the male-female gender spectrum and don't feel 100% either.

There have been several instances in the past year in which I've said something along the lines of, "You're the brides!" And been told by some women (in a very polite way), "I don't feel like a bride."  I've heard this from women who are wearing a tux or suit on their wedding day, not a wedding dress or gown, are still female-identified and who do not identify as transgender.

So what are these women called?  In my experience, they are comfortable with the term "bridegroom."  

Even though I'm a gay wedding planner, I learned from my own experience that I shouldn't assume that all engaged lesbians want to be called brides.  Be careful not to make the same assumption yourself and handle this situation by saying something like, "Do you feel comfortable with the term brides?  I know some lesbian women prefer to be called bridegrooms."

Gay weddings are redefining the term bridegroom.  Take note for your current and future clients.

Are you working with any engaged lesbian women who don't feel like a bride?  What do they like to be called?

Thanks to Jennifer Ramirez-Jasiczek for her great question asking me to dispel some gay wedding myths.  If you have any questions for me about gay weddings, gay wedding traditions, the business of gay wedding, marketing, etc, please feel free to ask me anything and I will answer here in the blog.

So, gay wedding myths....

• Myth:  a gay wedding is the same as a straight wedding, except with two partners of the same gender.  Reality: gay weddings have their own traditions, their own family dynamics and their own personalities and require a different layer of knowledge and sensitivity.
• Myth:  gay men will want to dress in drag, wear a gown, wear makeup, carry a bouquet, and otherwise be non-masculine.  Reality:  I've never had a groom in a dress.  It's rare and uncommon.
• Myth: gay grooms won't need a wedding planner because they secretly want to be a wedding planner (or already are one).  Reality:  gay men are just as busy as the rest of us and many have no interest in wedding/event planning.  I've planned many weddings for gay men.
• Myth:  lesbians are cheap and have bad taste and their weddings will be reflect that!  Reality:  lesbians want beautiful, elegant, and lavish weddings also.  I've planned many of them!
• Myth:  in a lesbian marriage, one will assume a male and one will assume a female role and will dress accordingly at their wedding.  Reality:  42% of lesbian weddings have two brides in two dresses and many relationships have no gender role dynamic.
• Myth:  two brides = two bridezillas!  Reality:  It's just not true.  Lesbian brides have no greater tendency towards drama than her heterosexual counterpart.  

What other stereotypes have you heard about gay weddings?