Gay Weddings are Good for Business

I wanted to share some excerpts from Leanne's post over at SoYoureEnGAYged.com because it speaks very clearly to the the points I make during my presentations - specifically:  clean up your language and don't make assumptions!

"I started my internet-based wedding planning at the mothership, TheKnot.com. I went there because it seemed the thing to do, and because I had heard they featured gay weddings...I had sort of hoped for the best when we got to sign up as 'bride' and 'bride' on the login page.  I had to go through my super-over-due checklist and manually delete all the 'groom' stuff, even though I never signed up for a groom! I found more of the same on similar sites, and concluded...whether it be on one bride and one groom or two of each, they wanted to sell me the dream of the perfect wedding – the perfect bride(s), the perfect groom(s)...

I spoke with a coordinator at one site, who congratulated me on finding Mr. Right. I was met with a few extra beats of silence at another when I asked if they’d done same sex weddings before...And at David’s Bridal, when asked for my groom’s name and whether we’d be looking at tuxes, I responded, 'actually it’s two brides and no thank you on the tuxes' and the salesgirl froze and then nervously turned to her manager (I still get calls and postcards from the Men’s Warehouse via David’s asking if my husband has picked out a suit yet)...

I felt like it was unfair that I had to constantly come out to strangers, explain my relationship and our roles (Q: which one is the bride? A: Uh, both of us?)...every time I was asked for my groom’s name or had to correct their 'he’s' with 'she’s.'
I shifted my approach after that. I right off the bat asked vendors about their experiences with same-sex weddings, and I didn’t penalize them if they didn’t have any. Instead, I then asked about their position on marriage equality...

Some vendors didn’t email back...some simply said they didn’t have a stance on marriage equality, so I thanked them and hung up after telling them that I think they’d benefit from learning more about it and that I’d be taking my business to a vendor who supports it/me/us. And so many more than I expected responded with heartfelt support and a total endorsement of their belief in the importance of marriage equality. I could tell that for many of them, it wasn’t just about making a buck off the gays. It was truly about supporting love and marriage in all its forms, in allowing equality to grow and flourish. Unsurprisingly, those are the vendors we’re working with – the ones who are beyond cool about us being two brides...

When we went to register, I was ready for a battle when I had to cross out “groom” on all the paperwork and then was handed a tote bag with two beaming straight couples pasted onto the sides, but our registrant Linda gave us a hearty 'congratulations' and said she was so happy for us. She seemed genuine, even if she only wanted us to sign up for nice towels and a salad bowl. Our DJ simply congratulated us and started talking about music. Importantly, our vendors have all used gender-neutral/gender-inclusive language in their contracts. In doing so they have, intentionally or otherwise, joined us in our revolutionary act of love..."

I was asked on Twitter recently if same-sex couples typically get ready together before the wedding.  It's a great question and something a lot of wedding vendors don't even think about.

Yes, most same-sex couples get ready together before the wedding.  The two brides have their hair and makeup done together.  If they have a wedding party, that group is all together.  Formal photos (even with family) are then taken before the ceremony so that once the wedding officially starts, there are no interruptions for formal pics.  Cocktail hour is spent enjoying cocktails and hors d'oeuvres.

Why is this?  A few reasons:

• Partners are often each other's best friend and closest confidante.  They value each other's opinion on how one looks and they want to enjoy the little quiet moments together before they're officially married.
• Gay wedding ceremonies are often in the same location as the reception, and that ceremony time often cuts into the 5 hour rental, thereby reducing the length of the reception (sometimes couples will book the space for an additional hour).  With such a short reception, why sacrifice any of it to formal photos?

Cooper and Tim getting ready.   Photo by Gretje Ferguson

Now, I said that's what most couples do; I've had a several (fewer than ten couples, all women) choose to wait on seeing each other and have the "first look" captured by the photographer.  Those couples have seen each other for the first time as they go down the aisle(s).  

To find out what your client wants to do, ask, don't assume.  Simply ask, "Are you getting ready together?" and "Will there be formal photos taken before the wedding ceremony?"  Those open-ended questions will get you the information you need without making anyone uncomfortable.

Are your clients planning to get ready together?

A few weeks ago I was in a clothing designer's studio taking a bride to be fitted for a custom pants suit.  Things were going really well and we made a follow up appointment.

Later that week, that bride's fiancee called me asking to cancel the second appointment with the clothing designer.  Why?

Because the bride's 87 year old mother said to her, "You better not be dressed like a man on your wedding day."

So instead of wearing a custom suit that she was really digging on, the next week we had her trying on wedding dresses.  And she looked and felt like a fish out of water.  I took her to places where the wedding dresses were simpler (like J Crew) but we didn't have any luck finding her something she'd be comfortable in - and that's because she'd be more comfortable in a suit.

This situation hasn't resolved itself yet.  How would you handle this situation?  As you work with lesbian brides, you might find yourself in a very similar situation.

You'd think after 6 years as a gay wedding planner, I'd have all the answers on this subject.  I can tell you that for lesbian brides, figuring out what to wear is one of the greatest wedding planning stressors - and that most of the ones I've worked with want something ready to wear, not custom made.  Here's what I've seen: