Gay Weddings are Good for Business

This site is intended to be a resource for wedding professionals and media who are interested in learning more about same-sex weddings.  That said, since I actually PLAN lots of gay weddings, I don't have as much time to keep this updated as I'd like!  Here are some resources to get you started:

• The Gay Wedding Glossary - the only one in the world, with loads of terminology and information on laws and so forth
• Data - We collect our own gay wedding data, but there's also some from the Williams Institute, Forbes and others
• Our App - it's a free download for iPhones and iPads and is a great tool for wedding planning
• Webinars - I teach quarterly webinars which cover everything you need to know about gay weddings (and more!)

Those who follow me on Twitter know that my wife Jen and I just completed the second parent adoption process for our son, Patrick.  He was born on Oct. 31, 2010.

Let me explain a little bit about what this means.

Jen and I were legally married in Massachusetts.  Our marriage is only valid in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Iowa and D.C. (the other states where same-sex marriage is legal), and a couple of other random states.  According to the U.S. federal government and all those other states, we are not legally married.  According to most countries in the world, we are not legally married.

Patrick was born in Boston and Jen carried and delivered the baby.  She was the "bio-parent" though I was right there when he was born and my name is on his birth certificate.  However, because our marriage is not recognized most places in the world, neither are my rights to be his parent.  That's why we had to go through this process called "second parent adoption" - in which I basically adopt my own son.  This process took 10 months waiting for a court date and $2000 in legal fees before we saw a judge for 2 minutes.  Now it's over and we're happy!

If a same-sex couple doesn't do second parent adoption this can get really ugly in the following scenarios (among others):

• If there's a divorce or break-up, the non-bio parent may have no rights no visitation or custody
• If the bio-parent died, the non-bio parent may have no rights to his or her child (who would probably be placed with the bio-parent's parents)
• If the bio-parent and the baby are in an accident, the non-bio parent may have no access to them in the hospital

Last week when I spoke at Engage!, I started by saying, "Did you know that it's harder to get a gay divorce than a gay marriage?"

Did you?

I have former clients who live in California and married here in Massachusetts last year.  They contacted me recently asking about divorcing.  I'm definitely not in the business of divorce, but what I told them is that, in order to divorce, one of them would need to move to Massachusetts and establish residency here.  After residency was established, they could then file for divorce in Massachusetts.

So if they live in California, why can't they divorce in California?  Straight couples don't need to move to divorce.

California doesn't recognize their legal Massachusetts marriage as a marriage.  As far as that state is concerned, that couple are merely domestic partners.  And California has the right to make that call - the federal government says so.

There have been gay divorce court cases in both Texas and Pennsylvania where couples have sought to divorce without establishing residency in the state where they were married.  In all instances of legal battles for gay divorce, the couple has been denied that right.  Why?

Because if a state says it's OK to have a gay divorce, then they are, in a backwards way, saying it's OK to have a gay marriage! And they are simply not ready to say that.

Gay marriage is messy political and legal business - but gay weddings are fabulous!  It's worth it and one of these days, this stuff won't matter anymore.  I can't wait.

If you are in the business of weddings and find yourself referring wedding officiants to couples, you may have some challenges with gay weddings.  First off, they are not sanctioned by most churches and if your client wants a secular ceremony, the options get a little confusing.

If your state allows Justices of the Peace or judges to perform ceremonies and if gay marriage is legal in your state, then by law, all JPs and judges must officiate same-sex weddings.  However, you'll find some JPs who welcome LGBT clients with open arms and others to pretend they are booked on that specific day or otherwise flat-out deny a couple their services.  I've seen it happen even when it's against the law.  

The best resource I've found for officiants is Celebrants-USA.  It's an intensive training so individuals learn to perform life ceremonies - this could include marriage ceremonies, baby blessings and so forth.  Celebrants can draw from a variety of cultural backgrounds to create a very personal and meaningful ceremony.  Technically and legally they are ministers but they serve a non-denominational and usually non-religious role.  Celebrants are great!

It's VERY common for same-sex couples to have a loved one marry them.  This could be a family member or friend who gets a license online from the Universal Life Church to perform marriage ceremonies.  It's pretty easy for them to do and many couples appreciate this personal approach.

As a wedding vendor, when you are looking for officiants to refer your clients to, I'd start with Celebrants-USA and from there, make calls to those who advertise on PurpleUnions.com, SoYoureEnGAYged.com and GayWeddings.com.  Don't refer vendors without first chatting to them about your client in the instance that the officiant may not be as gay-friendly as they pretend to be in their ad!

Who has officiated your same-sex client's weddings?

It seems like every day there's news about some state attempting to ban same-sex marriage or another trying to pass it.  Some are moving forward with civil unions....  It's a lot to keep track of, so here's the latest scoop as of today (Feb 18, 2011):

The good news:

• Hawaii - a civil unions bill passed by the House and Senate is on its way to the Governor for approval.  They would go into effect on Jan. 1, 2012.
• Illinois - passed civil unions earlier this month, effective as of June 1
• Maryland - a bill to legalize gay marriage was introduced and approved by a committee of the Senate.  It still has a few steps for approval but the signs look good.
• Rhode Island - three different bills related to same-sex marriage have been introduced (only one for full marriage equality) and hearings are underway

• California - the challenge to Prop 8 is under review and a decision isn't expected until the end(!) of this year.
• Indiana - The Indiana House approved a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage and civil unions. This now goes before the Senate, and must be passed by both again next year in order to go on the ballot for voters.
• Iowa - nearly two years after same-sex marriage was legalized in Iowa, the House voted to ban gay marriage.  This is the first step in the lengthy process which requires Senate and voter approval.
• New Hampshire - gay marriage is currently the law (as of Jan 2010) but two separate bills are trying to end it.  There have not been any votes yet.
• Wyoming - The Wyoming Senate narrowly voted today to stop recognition of same-sex marriages and civil unions from outside the state. It currently bans them outright, but still recognizes marriages from other states. The House already passed a different version of the bill, so they now have to vote on this version before it goes to the Governor.

Henry Velandia legally married his partner Josh Vandiver in Connecticut.  Josh is a U.S. citizen but Henry is from Venezuela.  And now Henry is facing deportation by the U.S. government.

If Henry was a woman who married Josh, then a green card would be in order.

But Henry's a guy and the U.S. government has DOMA, a law prohibiting recognition of same-sex marriage, so off he will go back to Venezuela.  

Could you imagine if Henry and Josh were your clients?  If they were, you should advise them not to marry.  It is actually dangerous for them to marry because of DOMA.

Off my 200+ gay weddings, I personally have never had a client in this situation - have you?  What did you do?

Gay Wedding Glossary

Civil Union: A legal union of a same-sex couple, sanctioned by a civil authority. New Jersey, Illinois, Rhode Island, Delaware and Hawaii are the U.S. state with civil unions, though this changes all the time. For the most up to date information, check this page (PDF).  Civil unions were legal in Vermont and Connecticut at a time, before both states approved legal gay marriage.  Civil unions are not equal to marriage, though they provide some (but not all) rights of marriage.  Civil unions are not sanctioned by the federal government and couples with civil unions receive no federal benefits.  

Many same-sex couples, while they see civil unions as progress, still "hold out" for legal marriage before planning a wedding because they don't see much meaning in a separate and unequal institution.

Gay Wedding Glossary

Family Law:  Same-sex couples must complete additional legal paperwork in order to protect their family in case of emergency.  Because of DOMA, married same-sex couples are not entitled to the same rights as married opposite-sex couples when they leave the state in which they were legally married.  This means, for example, that the non-birth parent in a same-sex family has no rights when the couple travels to a state where same-sex marriage is not recognized, unless the non-birth parent has gone to court to legally adopt the child through second parent adoption.  Second parent adoption, health care proxies, wills and durable power of attorney are all essentially mandatory (and expensive) for same-sex couples, especially those with children.

This is relevant to wedding planning because as part of a comprehensive action plan, it is important that wedding planners and venues, in particular, identify resources in their own community that can provide these legal services to protect your same-sex client's family.

Gay Wedding Glossary

Civil Partnerships:  Civil partnerships are the federally recognized equivalent of same-sex marriage.  Civil partnerships are the law in several countries, including the U.K., Ireland and Germany.

Civil partnerships bring identical rights, recognition and protections of marriage, to same-sex couples, without using the actual term "marriage".   A civil partnership is different from a civil union in the United States because civil unions are state laws and civil partnership are federal laws.  

Why not use the term marriage?  Marriage, while, at its heart, is a civil institution, has many religious associations.  Many politicians feel that "civil partnership" or "civil union" is a safer term and that it's easier to pass legislation using that term, instead of marriage.  

Gay Wedding Glossary

Proposition 8:  The ballot initiative in California in which voters voted to ban same-sex marriage, 5.5 months after it first began in the state in 2008. 18,000 same-sex couples were married in those 5.5 months in mid 2008.

There's been a highly publicized challenge to this voter referendum and that challenge was ruled on in August 2010, overturning the vote.  A "stay" was issued on the ruling, meaning that gay marriage is still banned in California.  That ruling was subsequently appealed and the Court of Appeals may issue a ruling by the end of 2011.  

Currently, those 18,000 married couples are still married but other couples who want to get married may not legally do so.