Gay Weddings are Good for Business

We’ve all had booths at wedding expos in the past. And most wedding expos are targeted to straight couples but there are a few things you should keep in mind in the event that LGBT couples pass through these mainstream wedding expos.  They will come!  Slowly at first, but they'll be there!

1. When you see two women together, they may actually be getting married to each other! It’s true that one may be the bride and the other may be the MOH or a bridesmaid, but don’t make any assumptions either way. Don’t ask, “who’s the bride?” or “which one of you is getting married.” Follow the lead of the women – don’t make any assumptions. 

2. Similarly, when you see two men together, don’t ask, “where’s the bride?” 

3. If you have a form that you want couples to fill out for a raffle or for additional information, don’t say “bride’s name” and “groom’s name” – just say “name” or “bride/groom.” 

4. To the best of your ability showcase your work that is most neutral in tone. That means using photos that are detail shots, long shots and shots of a bride alone or a groom alone. The more images you have of a bride and groom together, the more put-off a same-sex couple may feel. 

5. If you do encounter a same-sex couple, avoid terms such as “sexual preference”, “lifestyle”, “homosexual” and avoid stereotyping them. Believe it or not, I was told by a couple that someone at an expo asked them if one of the partners was the “bride” and one was the “groom” in the relationship. 

These tips, when followed properly, should in no way turn off your potential straight clients either. They are designed to fall under the radar where your potential straight clients don’t notice and your potential same-sex clients are much appreciative.

I was at an event recently and met a lovely bridal salon owner who very innocently asked me, "Is one the bride and one the groom in a gay relationship?"  Some of you may laugh but she was just working off of stereotypes she grew up with.

The answer is no - at least, not usually.  It's certainly not a good idea to make that assumption about a couple.  

While there may be some men who like drag or are more feminine in appearance, that doesn't mean he wants to wear a dress down the aisle.  Likewise, there are some women who are more masculine in appearance and/or may identify as butch - but that doesn't mean she is the groom or wants to play that role - though she may want to be referred to as the bridegroom. 

You may find yourself in the middle of a really awkward conversation if you make such assumptions so if you are looking for information, it's best to start with open ended questions, such as, "What are you wearing to your wedding?" or "How are you referring to each other now?".   

While it's true that there's some truth to stereotypes, check them at the door so you don't accidentally offend your clients!

Yesterday I was interviewed on the National Public Radio Station, WNYC, on the show "Soundcheck" to talk about music at gay weddings.  Last week they had a show about music at weddings and a listener wrote to complain that same-sex weddings were left out of the discussion.  They called me up and I filled them in about music at gay weddings.

You can listen to the entire clip here.

The bottom line is that there is a difference in what many same-sex couples request, as compared to opposite-sex couples.  The first example that comes to mind is that many same-sex couples request pop music during their ceremony processional and recessional, as opposed to the traditional classical pieces.  I give some examples during the show.

Enjoy!

Henry Velandia legally married his partner Josh Vandiver in Connecticut.  Josh is a U.S. citizen but Henry is from Venezuela.  And now Henry is facing deportation by the U.S. government.

If Henry was a woman who married Josh, then a green card would be in order.

But Henry's a guy and the U.S. government has DOMA, a law prohibiting recognition of same-sex marriage, so off he will go back to Venezuela.  

Could you imagine if Henry and Josh were your clients?  If they were, you should advise them not to marry.  It is actually dangerous for them to marry because of DOMA.

Off my 200+ gay weddings, I personally have never had a client in this situation - have you?  What did you do?

I get this question so often I can't believe I haven't blogged on the subject yet! I heard from a wedding photographer today who accidentally insulted her same-sex couple by sending them a form to fill out that had fields such as "Bride's Name", "Groom's Name" and used the terms "bridesmaids" and "groomsmen."  

Fortunately, I know this photographer personally and she's very nice and non-homophobic, simply heterosexist.  She did not lose the client, but was embarrassed to find herself in this situation and came to me for advice.

So, what would you use instead of "bride's name" and "groom's name" on contracts and forms?  

• Party A, Party B
• Client Name, Client Name
• Client A, Client B
• Partner A, Partner B
• Bride/Groom, Bride/Groom
• Client Name, Client Name
• Name, Name

For some reason, I've had a lot of mean dads this year.  A bunch of my clients have dads who refused to go to - or really even acknowledge - their child (my client's) gay wedding.  I just got off the phone with a groom whose parents are coming to the wedding but whose partner's parents aren't coming.  

What do you say in such a situation?  If you're a planner, a photographer, venue owner or so forth - how do you show support? For me, it's pretty easy because I can relate.  My dad died before I came out to him and that's because I knew that I'd be essentially disowned.  I had some relatives (ahem, Aunt Theresa) who refused to come to my own same-sex wedding - and of course I've been through this with clients over and over again.

So what do you do if you can't directly relate?  Here are a few tips:

• Listen more than talk.  
• Follow their lead.  If the client is angry, you can express anger.  If the client is sad, you can express sadness/sympathy.  If the client wants to fix or solve the situation (if even possible), offer helpful suggestions.
• Examples of helpful suggestions: look up phone numbers of support groups or make suggestions of ways to involve parents and get them more excited.

 

Last week I wrote about the characteristics of same-sex couples who have been together a long time!  Today I'll talk about the couples who are more of a traditional marrying age, in their twenties.  This is what you should expect from this type of fabulous same-sex couple:

• at least one set of parents will be involved, sharing their opinions and expectations even if they are not paying for much, if any, of the wedding
• the couple grew up in an age when gay marriage is part of their expected journey (the first state to have gay marriage in the U.S. happened in 2004)
• this couple may not be very aware of the laws and policies around gay marriage and the additional steps necessary to further protect their families
• this is typically the first marriage for both and no children are involved
• the couple is more aware of their planning resources as a couple and will turn to bridal magazines and blogs for information and inspiration
• this couple may have a lower budget because of the lack of parental support and lack of time in the workforce
• this couple's wedding will be more similar to a traditional straight wedding (not that there's anything wrong with that!)

As you start working with engaged same-sex couples, you'll probably first start getting business from couples who have been together for YEARS!  These couples may be in their late 30s to 50s or older and are so eager to get married. They probably never expected to see it in their lifetime.  Here's what you should expect from these couples:

• very little, if any, parental involvement in the decision-making process
• pay for the wedding entirely by themselves
• may have been previously married to members of the opposite sex
• may have children from those previous straight marriages
• a strong appreciation of the legality of their gay marriage
• a deep appreciation of YOU as a vendor and your kindness to them as a same-sex couple
• a willingness to be less traditional in their gay wedding ceremony
• a wedding reception that may be more of an elegant formal dinner party than a typical wedding reception with dancing
• often plan their wedding on a short lead time
• smaller weddings, with fewer than 100 guests, often fewer than 50

A few weeks ago, I was at a networking event catching up with a wedding planner who had gone through my training for wedding pros.  She was telling me about her first gay wedding client and how, through my training, she was able to be sensitive to their unique needs.  And unique they were....

The planner mentioned that I never said anything in my training about a trio.

And I'm not talking about a string or a jazz trio.

I did talk in my training about how it's important to be completely open to subcultures within the LGBT community - and I used the example of leather bears for whom I produced a bear-themed wedding.  This particular couple mentioned that there would be some trios at the wedding.  They were referring to not a couple, but a threesome, and not just a sexual threesome but a relationship trio.  Not a couple but a trio, all committed to each other.

At first this planner was thrown off but she rolled with it and it's all good.  And that's what you have to do...there are too many subcultures for me to get into, but the key is to be open minded and have a laid back approach if you really want to work with same-sex couples.

What's the most outrageous comment you've ever heard from a same-sex couple?

Did you know that 2/3 of same-sex couples who marry are a partnership of two women and 1/3 are in a partnership of two men?  

I discovered that in my analysis of around 200 same-sex couples.  This jives with the vital statistics provided by the Massachusetts Department of Public Health over five years of legal gay marriage.

So where are the gay grooms?  I've talked to my clients and have some of my own theories.  Boys aren't raised with the idea of being a princess in a wedding dress some day (though some come up with that idea on their own...).  Guys are also less likely to need the validation that a wedding provides.  

By the way, Preston Bailey is engaged to his partner Theo Blackman and recently blogged about his own plans.  

So what do you think - why so few gay grooms?