Gay Weddings are Good for Business

Those who follow me on Twitter know that my wife Jen and I just completed the second parent adoption process for our son, Patrick.  He was born on Oct. 31, 2010.

Let me explain a little bit about what this means.

Jen and I were legally married in Massachusetts.  Our marriage is only valid in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, New Hampshire, New York, Iowa and D.C. (the other states where same-sex marriage is legal), and a couple of other random states.  According to the U.S. federal government and all those other states, we are not legally married.  According to most countries in the world, we are not legally married.

Patrick was born in Boston and Jen carried and delivered the baby.  She was the "bio-parent" though I was right there when he was born and my name is on his birth certificate.  However, because our marriage is not recognized most places in the world, neither are my rights to be his parent.  That's why we had to go through this process called "second parent adoption" - in which I basically adopt my own son.  This process took 10 months waiting for a court date and $2000 in legal fees before we saw a judge for 2 minutes.  Now it's over and we're happy!

If a same-sex couple doesn't do second parent adoption this can get really ugly in the following scenarios (among others):

• If there's a divorce or break-up, the non-bio parent may have no rights no visitation or custody
• If the bio-parent died, the non-bio parent may have no rights to his or her child (who would probably be placed with the bio-parent's parents)
• If the bio-parent and the baby are in an accident, the non-bio parent may have no access to them in the hospital

Question:  What goes through a couple's mind as they are planning a wedding and how can we as vendors best make them feel comfortable? 

Answer:  Gay couples experience the same or similar emotions as straight couples:   budget concerns, guest list concerns, decor, etc. 

 But then you add on a new set of emotions and questions such as: 

• Am I going to be discriminated against? 
• I wish I didn't have to keep coming out of the closet every time I call someone. 
• I hope my Aunt Jessie comes to the wedding. 
• Will my dad be willing to walk me down the aisle? 
• We're two grooms - how do we walk down the aisle? 

 As a wedding vendor, the best thing you can do is listen and not make assumptions. Don't make assumptions about whether there will or won't be a wedding party, about whether there will or won't be parental emotional or financial involvement, about whether there will be a religious ceremony, etc.  Just listen and go with the flow!

Do you  have any burning questions for me?  Ask them here and I'll answer in an upcoming post!

A funny thing has happened since I moved to New York City last week.  About three or four different people have asked specific, pointed questions about how Jen and I had our son.  I felt like a bit of a novelty and it's interesting to note that there are SO MANY gay families in Massachusetts (where we moved from), because to many of them, kids are the next step after marriage.  And equal marriage rights have been available for 7 years.  

Although babies are very much the norm for same-sex families in Massachusetts, I predict that as New Yorkers enjoy equal marriage, many more will see having kids as the next logical step.  Certainly there are plenty of same-sex families with kids in NY currently, but that number will grow exponentially.  

Anyway, some people asked me questions more gracefully than others.  Of course I don't care about gracefulness if there's an opportunity to educate.  As you encounter same-sex couples and have some burning questions of your own, consider these Dos and Don't on the issue of creating family:

Don't Ask:

• How does it work?
• Does one of you take the mom role and one of you take the dad role?
• How do guys do it?
• Where do you get the sperm/eggs?  Whose eggs/sperm did you use?
• Are you still in touch with the egg/sperm donor?
• Are you both going to be the parents?
• How much did you pay for your babies?
• How long have you had them?
• Isn't it harder on them to have gay parents?

Do Ask:

• Are you planning to have kids?
• and you can ask sensitive follow up questions (avoiding the questions above) once they have answered that one...

I've been planning same-sex weddings since 2004 but I don't have very many photos of those earlier weddings.  Why?   Many of my clients back then wouldn't allow me to use their photos because of privacy concerns.  They were not entirely out of the closet and were afraid of being fired or discriminated against.  Yes, even in a state where it was legal to have a same-sex marriage.

That doesn't happen as much anymore but my biggest client of the year struck the image release clause from my contract.  Such a bummer because they are gorgeous guys and it will be a stunning wedding!

I say all this because of a great post over at A Practical Wedding from a photographer who can't show you her client's engagement shoot.  You have to read that post!

How do you respond when a client expresses fear of being fired or outed if you include their wedding photos on your blog or in your portfolio? You have to go along with it.  It's their right to privacy.  Listen.  Sympathize.  And respect their right - so don't use those images...

Have you ever had a same-sex client say this to you?

There was a great article in the Boston Globe recently about nontraditional families. "Johnny has two mommies - and four dads" explores the ramifications of the various methods LGBT individuals and couples build families.  I met a couple recently where one of the partners is parent to several young children being raised with two dads, a gay male couple.  The two sets of couples each raise the children and amicably share custody.  There are no "step-parents".  This is what's normal to them.

Since having kids is usually complicated for LGBT folks, such situations are far from unusual and these situations are different from kids of divorce whose parents remarry.  Naturally, there are legal issues - the law only recognizes two parents - but this can also affect the dynamic in a gay wedding!

Some things to think about if you find yourself working with such a client:

• will there be some kind of unique unity ritual during the ceremony?
• will other sets of parents be part of the wedding party?
• are there some additional formal family dances during the reception?

For some reason, I've had a lot of mean dads this year.  A bunch of my clients have dads who refused to go to - or really even acknowledge - their child (my client's) gay wedding.  I just got off the phone with a groom whose parents are coming to the wedding but whose partner's parents aren't coming.  

What do you say in such a situation?  If you're a planner, a photographer, venue owner or so forth - how do you show support? For me, it's pretty easy because I can relate.  My dad died before I came out to him and that's because I knew that I'd be essentially disowned.  I had some relatives (ahem, Aunt Theresa) who refused to come to my own same-sex wedding - and of course I've been through this with clients over and over again.

So what do you do if you can't directly relate?  Here are a few tips:

• Listen more than talk.  
• Follow their lead.  If the client is angry, you can express anger.  If the client is sad, you can express sadness/sympathy.  If the client wants to fix or solve the situation (if even possible), offer helpful suggestions.
• Examples of helpful suggestions: look up phone numbers of support groups or make suggestions of ways to involve parents and get them more excited.

 

I get this question all the time, "What's the difference between a straight and a gay wedding?"  The last person to ask was sweetheart Colin Cowie, whom I met last week at Engage!

I'd be out of business if I couldn't answer it.  It's the reason there's demand for a gay wedding producer.  Here's a short list of differences:

• 50% of the country is opposed to gay marriage and many in the wedding industry do not support it either - couples face discrimination.
• And it's perfectly legal to discriminate against LGBT couples in 28 U.S. states (i.e. a vendor can say, "I don't want to work with you.")
• Who do you think fills the role of the "bride" during a wedding processional, when there are two brides or two grooms?  We typically avoid anyone assuming this role by having the couple process together, hand-in-hand, or down two aisles simultaneously...
• What do lesbian brides wear?
• What do you call an engaged lesbian who doesn't feel like a "bride?"

Just a little food for thought...the list goes on.  How do you answer this question?

I wanted to tell you that my wife, Jen Coveney-Smith is pregnant.  She's due in October.  It's a blessing and we're very excited to bring a baby into our already pretty awesome lives.

I thought it would be good to take this opportunity to answer any questions you may have about how same-sex couples start families.  I've had a bunch of clients with kids and many more planning to start families.  If you are working with same-sex couples on their gay wedding plans, you may be very curious about where the kids will come from - but be sure to satisfy your curiosity by asking your questions delicately and using open ended sentences. 

Here's our story:
Last fall we went to an open house on lesbian reproduction at a local health center.  We learned about our options for pregnancy and decided that Jen was going to carry the baby and the sperm would come from an anonymous donor from a sperm bank.  Jen's 34 and will be 35 in August.  We looked through the donor databases at a few different places, noting things like eye and hair color, height, weight, education, favorite tv show, favorite childhood memories and so on.  There's even one bank that tells you the donor's celebrity lookalike - very cool.  

We chose a donor who we both crushed on.  We don't know his celebrity lookalike but his profile sounded perfect to us.  And after the age of 18, the kid could even get to the contact the donor.  Not all donors consent to that but we thought that was a cool option if our kid someday felt so inclined.  

Our first insemination was on January 2 and the procedure took about 10 seconds in the doctor's office.  It's really quick and painless (according to Jen).  We were in New Orleans for The Special Event Show when Jen took a home pregnancy test, which proved to be negative.  We tried again on January 31.  On February 13, Jen had a positive pregnancy test!  She got pregnant on the second try which is pretty unbelievable for any couple, straight or gay.

We've since seen the baby's heartbeat a few times and it's really pretty cool what's going on inside her body.  We've both been kind of freaked out - Jen's freaked out by all the craziness that her body's doing; and planner that I am, I'm obsessed with space-saving strategies to fit a baby into our small 2BR condo!

But life is good.  That's just our story.   I've worked with both male and female couples on their own journey towards parenthood and by now, I'm pretty familiar with just about every available option to us so if you have any questions about either our situation or what other couples may choose, please leave it in the comments and I'm happy to answer.

When I speak to vendors about gay weddings, one of the things I emphasize is that you can't assume that the couple has the support of their family.  I've literally had brides in tears in the dressing room because their mother wasn't there because she didn't support the marriage.

Gay Wedding Glossary

Family Planning:  Family planning is more difficult for same-sex couples than heterosexual couples due to the obvious biological differences.  It is increasingly common to see children with two moms or two dads and studies show that those children turn out just fine, with no averse side effects.  Children of same-sex parents are no likelier to be gay than children of heterosexual parents.  

Family planning for lesbians usually comes in the form of artificial insemination, with known or unknown sperm donors, or adoption.  Family planning for gay men usually comes in the form of a surrogate mother (sometimes with a separate egg donor) or adoption.  Most countries outside of the U.S. do not let gay people adopt children.

When working with a same-sex couple, if you are curious about their plans for building a family, ask the question in a very open-ended way, such as, "Are you planning to have a kids someday?" rather than making assumptions about what they can or cannot do.