Gay Weddings are Good for Business

Last week when I spoke at Engage!, I started by saying, "Did you know that it's harder to get a gay divorce than a gay marriage?"

Did you?

I have former clients who live in California and married here in Massachusetts last year.  They contacted me recently asking about divorcing.  I'm definitely not in the business of divorce, but what I told them is that, in order to divorce, one of them would need to move to Massachusetts and establish residency here.  After residency was established, they could then file for divorce in Massachusetts.

So if they live in California, why can't they divorce in California?  Straight couples don't need to move to divorce.

California doesn't recognize their legal Massachusetts marriage as a marriage.  As far as that state is concerned, that couple are merely domestic partners.  And California has the right to make that call - the federal government says so.

There have been gay divorce court cases in both Texas and Pennsylvania where couples have sought to divorce without establishing residency in the state where they were married.  In all instances of legal battles for gay divorce, the couple has been denied that right.  Why?

Because if a state says it's OK to have a gay divorce, then they are, in a backwards way, saying it's OK to have a gay marriage! And they are simply not ready to say that.

Gay marriage is messy political and legal business - but gay weddings are fabulous!  It's worth it and one of these days, this stuff won't matter anymore.  I can't wait.

I was at an event recently and met a lovely bridal salon owner who very innocently asked me, "Is one the bride and one the groom in a gay relationship?"  Some of you may laugh but she was just working off of stereotypes she grew up with.

The answer is no - at least, not usually.  It's certainly not a good idea to make that assumption about a couple.  

While there may be some men who like drag or are more feminine in appearance, that doesn't mean he wants to wear a dress down the aisle.  Likewise, there are some women who are more masculine in appearance and/or may identify as butch - but that doesn't mean she is the groom or wants to play that role - though she may want to be referred to as the bridegroom. 

You may find yourself in the middle of a really awkward conversation if you make such assumptions so if you are looking for information, it's best to start with open ended questions, such as, "What are you wearing to your wedding?" or "How are you referring to each other now?".   

While it's true that there's some truth to stereotypes, check them at the door so you don't accidentally offend your clients!

I read this yesterday on a blog: "my hometown Chicago, Illinois was approved for same sex marriages." 

The thing I want to clear up is that Illinois (and Hawaii and Delaware and New Jersey) actually wasn't approved for same-sex marriages.  Not at all. They approved civil unions.

Civil unions are great.  They are progress towards equal rights and protections for same-sex couples.  They have been around since 2000 when Vermont first created the institution of civil unions.  The thing about civil unions, though, is that they are a state law, meaning no access to the 1000+ federal benefits (ie. social security) that come with marriage.  They are essentially the same thing as statewide domestic partnership coverage, which is what states like California and Washington offer.  But they are a made-up term because politicians are afraid of using the term marriage, which many Americans are sensitive about and perceive as a religious institution.

In the UK and Ireland, there is a civil partnership law which offers all the rights of marriage.  Civil partnership is different from civil unions in one critical way:  it's a federal law with federal rights.  That means that it's not a county by county decision over there.  Civil partnership is still a made up term because politicians are afraid of using the term marriage - but the rights are federally issued.

Same-sex couples appreciate civil unions.  But they also know that they are a cop-out, made-up term and many hold out for the real deal:  marriage.  So will your business see a spike if you promote your services for couples seeking a civil union?  Absolutely.  Will the spike be as great as it would be if your state legalized marriage?  Absolutely not.

Today, Governor Quinn of Illinois, signed a law legalizing civil unions.  This law will go into effect on June 1.

How will this change your business?

First of all, you need to decide whether or not you want to actively seek the civil union market.  This is a business decision, a marketing decision.  There are some people who believe that they will possibly lose business from more conservative straight clients if they proactively advertise or market their support of same-sex civil unions.  As a business owner, you need to decide whether or not you want to take that "risk."  If you would rather be passive, I respect that decision but if you want to be proactive, keep reading...

If you do want to proactively reach the civil union market, you  must first go through your website, marketing materials, contracts and forms and neutralize all language that implies there's one bride and one groom with bridesmaids and groomsmen.  You can do the same with photos.  You can also use the term "civil union" on your website, and say something along the lines of "Special Weddings can help with your wedding, civil union or party."

Then, you'll need to do some advertising and my top gay wedding directory suggestions are GayWeddings.com and SoYoureEnGAYged.com.

Then, you should do some heavy reading - and dig through old blog posts on this site www.GayWeddingInstitute.com and consider buying my book for couples!  My book just for you, vendors, will be out in the summer!

Are you hoping to work with any couples in Illinois planning civil unions?

When should you use the word "queer" when it comes to your same-sex wedding clients?

Almost never.

I was emailing with the owner of a DJ company today and he mentioned that he has a new DJ on the roster, and that she is a "well known DJ on Boston's queer nightlife scene".

This particular DJ may herself identify as queer, but the owner of the company is straight and he should not have used that term, even if he means no harm.  There was a time not long ago when queer was exclusively a derogatory, hateful term.  Now some (mostly younger) members of the LGBT community have re-claimed it and use it as basically a synonym for LGBT.

If the owner of the DJ company had been emailing with a same-sex couple in their mid-30s and up, there's a very good chance that couple would have been offended.  Not a great way to start a business relationship, even if you don't mean to offend...in fact, 59% of gay men and 41% of lesbians find the term offensive.

So why, "almost never"?  Well, some people just feel queer.  It's the label that fits best.  And if they tell you that, then you can call that person or couple queer but please don't use it with anyone else!

I'm almost never offended, so we talked about it and moved on.  Have you ever accidentally offended a same-sex couple?

Civil unions are almost certainly coming to Illinois.  They have been approved by the state legislature and the governor has promised to sign the bill into law.  So, what does this mean for your wedding business?

• First off, you should know that same-sex couples planning a civil union are unlikely to spend the same amount they would if they were planning a wedding.  Just as the rights are different, and the term is different, so will be the budgets.
• Neutralize the language on your website, in your marketing materials, contracts etc
• If you decide that you want to overtly market to same-sex couples, then come out and use the phrase "civil unions."  An example would be, "Special Occasions produces beautiful weddings, civil unions and parties." You can be explicit about using that term.
• Check out my suggestions for where to advertise to same-sex couples.
• Educate yourself on the laws.  How will applying for a civil union be the same or different than applying for a marriage license?  What are the repercussions at the federal level?  What rights will civil unions provide that are the same as or different to a marriage?
• Identify vendors and venues you know who support same-sex weddings.  Not everyone vendor does, and you'll be awfully embarrassed if you send your same-sex couple to a vendor who says something like, "So, is one of you the man and one of you the woman in this relationship?"

I received a great question from a photographer today.  I love getting questions like this so please feel free to write and ask me anything.

"I have an inquiry from a woman who is getting married in June here in Orlando. She said in my info form this: My partner and I are having a small wedding etc.... So, should I 'assume' that when she said 'partner' that she means a gay relationship?"

It's a great question.  Here in Massachusetts, there are lots of progressive women who refer to their male boyfriends as their partners.  But I think that the use of the term "partner" in that context is generally limited to very liberal regions - and to Europeans.  In general, I think it's probably safe to assume that in a more conservative area (like Orlando), if someone inquires about a wedding to her partner, that partner is probably female.

But my advice is never to assume!  Here was my response:

You should respond in kind, that is, use the term partner right back to her. You can even say, 'what's your partner's name?' and keep the dialogue nice and open-ended without making any assumptions.  If she responds and her partner is a female, then I'd send her a link to the photos of that same-sex wedding you shot, but not in a way that tokenizes them ie, 'oh, I went to college with someone who was gay' but in a way that shows support, ie, 'I actually shot a really cool same-sex wedding earlier this year if you want to take a look.'  And if you really want to be proactive, then add those photos to your website or blog!

What's your experience with the term partner?

The next two weekends, I have two weddings which will each have a sizable number of transgender guests. I'm in the process of creating signage for a few restrooms that say, All Genders (in one instance) and Unisex (in the other). 

Here's why:

• Non-trans individuals frequently feel the need to "police" restrooms if they see someone who may be, for example, a very butch woman who may look like a man, in the women's room. This isn't a wedding situation but happens in general. 
• Non-trans guests are less likely to do a double-take at someone's gender presentation if they are in a neutral restroom. 
• Some people feel neither male nor female, but rather somewhere in between - and would prefer a space where they don't have to choose a gendered restroom.

You may encounter a similar situation or client request. Roll with it and make the signs. It's not a big deal and may make your clients and their guests more comfortable.

Today, a district court judge ruled that part 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) is unconstitutional.  You can learn more more about the Defense of Marriage Act by following that link, but essentially, it means that my gay marriage in Massachusetts is meaningless most everywhere else including at the federal level and in most states.  Currently this ruling only affects Massachusetts residents.

The law explicitly includes a piece that U.S. states that don't allow gay marriage don't have to recognize gay marriages performed in U.S. states that do.

If this ruling stands, it is significant for a number of reasons and may impact your wedding business:

• Similar lawsuits will follow, opening the door to federal recognition by couples who live in Connecticut, Vermont, and the other places gay marriage is legal.
• You'll see more large receptions in your state hosted by couples who marry where it's legal and return home - the number of couples traveling to legally marry will jump dramatically because it will actually mean something (benefits) on the federal level!
• This should open the door for more states to legalize gay marriage as they see money lost to states where it is.
• Other parts of DOMA that impact the 45 states where gay marriage is illegal are also being challenged.  These states may be forced to recognize gay marriages performed in states where it is.  This means more weddings!
• This ruling will mean more wedding sales for all of us - an annual increase of $9.5 billion when gay marriage is legalized nationally (according to Forbes)