Gay Weddings are Good for Business

I wanted to share some excerpts from Leanne's post over at SoYoureEnGAYged.com because it speaks very clearly to the the points I make during my presentations - specifically:  clean up your language and don't make assumptions!

"I started my internet-based wedding planning at the mothership, TheKnot.com. I went there because it seemed the thing to do, and because I had heard they featured gay weddings...I had sort of hoped for the best when we got to sign up as 'bride' and 'bride' on the login page.  I had to go through my super-over-due checklist and manually delete all the 'groom' stuff, even though I never signed up for a groom! I found more of the same on similar sites, and concluded...whether it be on one bride and one groom or two of each, they wanted to sell me the dream of the perfect wedding – the perfect bride(s), the perfect groom(s)...

I spoke with a coordinator at one site, who congratulated me on finding Mr. Right. I was met with a few extra beats of silence at another when I asked if they’d done same sex weddings before...And at David’s Bridal, when asked for my groom’s name and whether we’d be looking at tuxes, I responded, 'actually it’s two brides and no thank you on the tuxes' and the salesgirl froze and then nervously turned to her manager (I still get calls and postcards from the Men’s Warehouse via David’s asking if my husband has picked out a suit yet)...

I felt like it was unfair that I had to constantly come out to strangers, explain my relationship and our roles (Q: which one is the bride? A: Uh, both of us?)...every time I was asked for my groom’s name or had to correct their 'he’s' with 'she’s.'
I shifted my approach after that. I right off the bat asked vendors about their experiences with same-sex weddings, and I didn’t penalize them if they didn’t have any. Instead, I then asked about their position on marriage equality...

Some vendors didn’t email back...some simply said they didn’t have a stance on marriage equality, so I thanked them and hung up after telling them that I think they’d benefit from learning more about it and that I’d be taking my business to a vendor who supports it/me/us. And so many more than I expected responded with heartfelt support and a total endorsement of their belief in the importance of marriage equality. I could tell that for many of them, it wasn’t just about making a buck off the gays. It was truly about supporting love and marriage in all its forms, in allowing equality to grow and flourish. Unsurprisingly, those are the vendors we’re working with – the ones who are beyond cool about us being two brides...

When we went to register, I was ready for a battle when I had to cross out “groom” on all the paperwork and then was handed a tote bag with two beaming straight couples pasted onto the sides, but our registrant Linda gave us a hearty 'congratulations' and said she was so happy for us. She seemed genuine, even if she only wanted us to sign up for nice towels and a salad bowl. Our DJ simply congratulated us and started talking about music. Importantly, our vendors have all used gender-neutral/gender-inclusive language in their contracts. In doing so they have, intentionally or otherwise, joined us in our revolutionary act of love..."

I believe that gay weddings change the world.  Really?  Yes, really.  In fact, I don't just believe it.  I know it.  

If you think about it, it was only 1967 that interracial marriage was legalized (Loving v Virginia).  The U.S. Supreme Court evoked the 14th Amendment in that ruling (one of the inspiration for 14 Stories, by the way).  That was a revolutionary ruling, a decision that changed lives forever.  

And gay marriage is this generation's civil rights movement.  The first gay marriages in the U.S. started in Massachusetts in 2004.  Since then, there have been about 50,000 legal marriages in the U.S.  50,000 marriages in an industry that produces 2.3 million straight weddings each year.  That makes gay marriages/gay weddings downright rare.  It makes them historic. That's right: gay weddings make history.

But how do they change the world?

Well, most guests at gay weddings are straight.  And most guests have never been to a gay wedding before.  That creates an extraordinary opportunity to open some eyes and create change.  And that change happens during the marriage ceremony, when that couple's story is told, when they make promises to one another and when they are declared legally married.  Not just partners for life or some other euphemism, but legally married.    

And then those straight guests go home, they tell their friends, neighbors and co-workers, "I went to the greatest wedding last weekend..." and they talk about the gay wedding with this sense of purpose and mission and passion.  And then they answer some questions, tell some more stories, maybe change call their politician or change the way they vote...

Those are the stories that change the world.  And that is why I do what I do and why I train others to be advocates for their clients.  Gay marriage is illegal in most places in the world, so all those stories from all those legal weddings make all the difference.  Just ask Frank Bruni, whose fantastic column tells some of those stories..

(photo by Zoom Photography)

Yesterday was the first day same-sex couples could apply online for marriage licenses in New York City (to be then available for pick up on July 25).  Sounds great, except that the NYC Marriage Bureau failed to update the form on the website, attracting all sorts of negative media attention and frustration from couples.  The form was updated later in the day but originally had one section for "Bride" and another section for "Groom."

Check it out:


Make sure that your business contact form, contract, marketing materials etc, don't make the same mistake as the NYC Marriage Bureau!  You don't want to accidentally offend or put off potential clients...this could be a $50,000 mistake, literally!

Have you updated your materials yet?

I find myself often guilty of focusing so much on the wedding itself.  The photography, the linens and so forth.  Many of us probably do the same thing.  And even when I teach my peers about gay weddings, especially in the shorter presentations, I don't spend much time on the other businesses that are interconnected.  You probably see it with straight weddings but it's a little bit different for gay weddings.

My homework for you is to identify:

• an attorney who specializes in estate planning and is familiar with the unique needs of same-sex couples
• an attorney who can do second parent adoption for same-sex families
• a gay realtor or a realtor who is familiar with gay-friendly areas and neighborhoods where families can comfortably raise children
• a gay mortgage broker or a mortgage broker who is familiar with any challenges/tax implications for same-sex couples
• a gay financial planner who is familiar with the unique investing challenges/tax implications for same-sex couples
• a gay travel agent or a travel agent who is familiar with which destinations are and are not gay-friendly

So, there's good news and there's bad news...civil unions were just signed into law in Rhode Island, effective July 1, 2011.  How can this possibly be bad?  I mean, think of all those Newport gay weddings (and civil unions)!

Well, the only way the bill passed was if it included the right for religious institutions to not recognize a civil union.  This basically legalizes discrimination by religious institutions.  The law of course gives a church the right to say, "We won't perform a gay wedding here" (which is totally fine if they so choose).  But it also allows religious institutions to deny other services to same-sex couples, such as adoptions, social services, funerals and so forth.  Some religious exceptions are fine (religious exceptions were needed in order for gay marriage to pass in New York) - but these ones seem particularly extreme.

As a wedding professional, if you are serving couples in Rhode Island, keep an extra eye out for potential discrimination from religious institutions for your clients!

Last week when I spoke at Engage!, I started by saying, "Did you know that it's harder to get a gay divorce than a gay marriage?"

Did you?

I have former clients who live in California and married here in Massachusetts last year.  They contacted me recently asking about divorcing.  I'm definitely not in the business of divorce, but what I told them is that, in order to divorce, one of them would need to move to Massachusetts and establish residency here.  After residency was established, they could then file for divorce in Massachusetts.

So if they live in California, why can't they divorce in California?  Straight couples don't need to move to divorce.

California doesn't recognize their legal Massachusetts marriage as a marriage.  As far as that state is concerned, that couple are merely domestic partners.  And California has the right to make that call - the federal government says so.

There have been gay divorce court cases in both Texas and Pennsylvania where couples have sought to divorce without establishing residency in the state where they were married.  In all instances of legal battles for gay divorce, the couple has been denied that right.  Why?

Because if a state says it's OK to have a gay divorce, then they are, in a backwards way, saying it's OK to have a gay marriage! And they are simply not ready to say that.

Gay marriage is messy political and legal business - but gay weddings are fabulous!  It's worth it and one of these days, this stuff won't matter anymore.  I can't wait.

Since gay marriage became legal in Massachusetts seven years ago, I've been watching what happens in other states as it becomes legal there.  Here's what you should expect when gay marriage first becomes legal:

I was at an event recently and met a lovely bridal salon owner who very innocently asked me, "Is one the bride and one the groom in a gay relationship?"  Some of you may laugh but she was just working off of stereotypes she grew up with.

The answer is no - at least, not usually.  It's certainly not a good idea to make that assumption about a couple.  

While there may be some men who like drag or are more feminine in appearance, that doesn't mean he wants to wear a dress down the aisle.  Likewise, there are some women who are more masculine in appearance and/or may identify as butch - but that doesn't mean she is the groom or wants to play that role - though she may want to be referred to as the bridegroom. 

You may find yourself in the middle of a really awkward conversation if you make such assumptions so if you are looking for information, it's best to start with open ended questions, such as, "What are you wearing to your wedding?" or "How are you referring to each other now?".   

While it's true that there's some truth to stereotypes, check them at the door so you don't accidentally offend your clients!

I was planning to wait til the fall to launch new dates for the Gay Wedding Institute Certificate course, but in light of my phone and email blowing up with calls from New York wedding vendors looking to enter the gay wedding market, I thought it best to set up some dates for July, before the gay marriage law goes into effect in New York.

So, announcing new dates:  July 12, July 14 and July 19, at 3pm EST.  And of course, non New Yorkers are welcome also!

Registration is open and you can register here!

Same-sex marriage was just legalized in New York state by a narrow margin.  This makes New York the largest state in the U.S. with legal gay marriage (and the sixth state, plus D.C.).  There are approximately 42,600 same-sex couples in the state (though 20% are already legally married).

When gay marriage goes into effect in about a month, gay weddings are expected to boost the NY economy by $210 million in the next three years.  This is amazing news for the wedding industry!

Is your wedding business ready?

• Well, to start, make sure you don't accidentally turn off prospective couples by being heterosexist.  Take down references to "bride and groom" from your website and marketing materials and substitute "couples" or "brides and grooms", for example.
• Make sure your contracts don't say "bride and groom".
• Think about the difference between a straight and gay wedding!
• Understand the federal laws about gay marriage and how your clients can be affected
• Understand what to call a gay wedding